Church Hurt: My Experience

On social media, I've seen several different memes making fun of church hurt. Well let me tell you something....this issue is NOTHING to joke about.

Imagine being hurt in the place and by the people who you least expected and most trusted. I'm sure that many people have been hurt by the church regardless of race and ethnicity but in the African-American culture, church hurt is one of the deepest pains felt. This phenomenon is widespread and it sadly shocked me of how many other people have experienced being hurt by the church. Before we continue, let's define what church hurt is:

In his book, "Healing Your Church Hurt: What to do When You Still Love God But Have Been Wounded by His People" author Stephen Mansfield gives this definition:

‘Church Hurt' is a deeply traumatic spiritual grievance brought on when an event or series of events takes place within one’s house of worship and the effect is so dramatic that while the person still has faith, his or her trust in the church has failed.

I found this definition to be %100 accurate to describe the experience of church hurt. The factor that makes this experience so traumatic is the significant change in the way a person views the members, leadership, and environment of the church after a particular event has occurred. Church hurt typically involves poor communication, misunderstanding, lack of support, and assumptions concerning a particular situation. Due to a given situation being seen from multiple perspectives, the final say about what in fact happened is usually determined by the pastor which highlights another factor in church hurt, differences in status. Now church hurt can happen between members or between members and those in leadership (pastor, pastor's wife, ministers, deacons, etc). The result of the negative interaction is usually feelings of rejection, grief, sadness, and disappointment. These feelings have the potential of branching off further into feelings of alienation, anxiety, depression, and hopelessness. All of these intense feelings can cause a person to question and/or even reject their church, their faith, and even God.

Like I said, I know that many people have experienced pain from the church. I can only speak from my experience as a black woman who was raised in the black church. The black church is a very important part of the black community. Historically, the church was really the only place where black people could take refuge to spiritually combat the oppressive factors of slavery that they could not otherwise fight physically. Today conditions haven't improved. Racism and oppression still exist, and the church is looked at the same way by black people...a place of refuge. That's one of the primary reasons why the church means so much to African-American culture...it was our first safe place.

I've been attending church since I was a little girl. Church has ALWAYS been a part of my life, up until a few months ago when I decided to leave my last church. I had been a member there for 2 years until something happened that made me want to take a serious break from certain aspects of religiosity and church culture in general. As of right now, I'm not a member of any church and I haven't been consistently attending church. I feel split in my feelings because being a part of a church does mean a lot to me. Church is a part of who I am BUT it wasn't until this last incident of church hurt that caused me to take a step back from church.

With the most recent incident, a situation was misconstrued based on what a pastor and his wife assumed about something I had done. I attended an event and afterwards, God encouraged me to pray with two other members. I initiated the prayer which was waaaay outside of my comfort zone. Next thing I know, the other two members were guided away from me by other ministers. When I concluded the prayer, I opened my eyes and I was standing alone. I had been crying during the prayer because I was passionate about what I was praying about. When I looked around I was confused. Suddenly another minister came and said, "Hey sis, are you ok?" For those who are unfamiliar, people in church are sometimes addressed as Sister "Jacky" or Brother "Joe" (for example) because we are classified as sisters and brothers in Jesus Christ. So anyway, right when I was asked that question, I immediately felt like I was being questioned because I had done something wrong. What confused me even more was my response. I lied and said that I was stressed to justify why I was crying. I felt like I had so say something acceptable to this minister for some reason. I later found out through the admission of the pastor that, he had in fact sent the minister over to see what was going on which made me feel like a suspect instead of a church member. About a week after this happened, I attended church and at the conclusion of service, the pastor called my name out over the pulpit requesting me to stay after service because the pastor's wife wanted to speak with me. This act made me feel like a student being told to go to the principle's office in front of the whole class. I did as I was asked. As I walked up to the front of the church, the pastor's wife greeted me with a smile and in so many words told me that I had stepped out of bounds the other day. She informed me that there were specialized ministers to pray with other people. She asked me if I knew the meaning of a particular word that I had used while I was praying that night. She told me that she had overheard bits and pieces of my prayer and it made her concerned. I froze. I knew that if I tried to talk, my voice would crack for sure because I was trying to hold tears back. I couldn't believe that this was happening to me AGAIN!

In that moment, I was taken back to the last church that I had attended before this one. I was reprimanded for almost the same thing! I had did something that God told me to do and I was questioned about it from leadership. In this prior incident, I went through the proper channels to speak with my pastor about what God had told me to do but he was too busy to meet with me. After the third attempt of trying to meet fell through, I went in the direction that God told me at the cost of the pastor and his wife basically telling me that I was wrong for doing what I did. They said that I was not following protocol and that I should've gotten permission from them first. They said other things that made me feel like I had committed a crime instead of a ministry effort. In that moment I froze and felt the EXACT SAME WAY that I was feeling in this most recent incident. It was like I was experiencing symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder or just a horrible episode of dejà vu. I mustered up the strength to explain to the pastor's wife that I was just doing a simple prayer echoing the words of the pastor. I felt like I had to explain that I wasn't trying to prophecy or saying anything 'deep' I was just.....praying and that I knew the meaning of my prayer. The pastor's wife then told me in so many words that she felt the need to protect the other two members because she didn't want the Holy Spirit to be blocked by what I was saying (if in fact I didn't really know what I was saying). Now I just felt horrible. Protect?? Like I was harming them?? I didn't understand. At that point I just shook my head indicating that I understood what she had said and I quickly exited the church. I was so hurt! I drove around the corner and cried for 15 minutes. Church was never the same for me after that. My entire view of the church, other people in the church, and my own beliefs had changed in ways I thought they never would.

Taking Ownership

I honestly believe that people in the church, especially those in leadership need to take ownership over their actions and words. It doesn't matter what rank or title you have, we must ALL be mindful of how what we say and what we do affect other people. On the other hand we must also take ownership of the baggage that we bring into the church. That baggage consists of our emotions and experiences. We can't project our emotions and experiences onto the people in church and then get upset when they don't understand. We have to take ownership of what we feel and what has happened to us. You can't develop a habit of jumping from church to church every time someone church makes you upset.This leads me to my next point...

Lower Your Expectations

Titles are catalysts for our expectations. Parent, sibling, family, teacher, boss, doctor, pastor....these are all titles that have images, ideas, and expectations attached to them. When the people who hold these titles don't live up to our expectations we feel disappointed, discouraged, and even traumatized. We have to lower our exceptions when it comes to THE PEOPLE of the church...not the PURPOSE the church. The title of 'church member' carries with it the image perfection. Church members make no mistakes and have no past. This is completely FALSE. Church members are just people and people are guaranteed to make mistakes. I placed so much expectation on the titles that people in the church had that I forgot that they were just people. Being human doesn't excuse or justify negative behavior BUT it reminds us that humans ALL fall short:

It is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man. Psalm 118:8

The Bible verse is a reminder to trust God not necessarily because we can't trust man BUT because man WILL fail us at some point. Keep in mind too that you have also failed others in one way or another. God is the only one who will never fail us. So when it comes to pastors, first ladies/pastor's wives, ministers, members, WHOEVER I'm not saying have NO expectations because you should expect SOMEthing from these people. I'm just cautioning you to not set your expectations so high that you set yourself up to be disappointed by their imperfections.

Stop People Pleasing

I think that trying to please people in the church also contributes to church hurt. So many times you have people seeking approval from the pastor and/or its members. Whether it be being acknowledged for service or just wanting to develop a better relationship with everyone people sometimes forget who they are coming to please. If you feel as though you have to 'fit in' just to worship God than there is something within yourself and/or your church that you must examine.

Wrong is Wrong

As far as the church goes in my opinion, no matter what title you have wrong is wrong. Your title does not change, excuse, or justify certain behavior that's just...wrong. Sorry not sorry. Like I said earlier, I've grown up in the church. I know all about church culture. I have seen wonderful, miraculous, supernatural, awesome, and powerful things happen in church! Unfortunately I have also seen and experienced negative and hurtful things happen in the church too. Some "church folk" honestly think that they can hide behind God while they do things that are hurtful within in the church. What I mean is, certain negative behaviors are done "in the name of the Lord" and some church folk even attach a scripture to further justify their actions. I hate when scripture is twisted and forced fit a situation that it just DOES NOT fit. For example, like I described above, I have been reprimanded by pastors for things that they deemed out of order. One of these pastors proceeded to title a Sunday sermon, "Following Protocol". In this sermon the pastor stressed the importance of members not going out and "doing their own thing" and that before going out to do anything members should follow protocol and go through the proper channels first. I knew that this message was about me. Now you might be thinking, "The pastor wasn't talking about you. I was just preaching a word." Well, like I said earlier...I know church culture in the black community. I've seen pastors call people and their mistakes out publicly over the pulpit. I've been a part of discrete meetings where people's mistakes were discussed and judged. I've also been a part of conversations where private information was discussed publicly with the congregation. Wrong is wrong and you can't use the Bible to justify behavior that hurts other people.

No Excuses

I know that this post may make you feel like you may not want to step foot in a church. For those who have been hurt by the church, you may be in a place where you may not want to return. I encourage you not to let the behavior of other people stop you from establishing and building your own personal relationship with God. The church is a beautiful place where people who are spiritually sick come to receive healing. The church is a hospital...not heaven. The church is a place made up of broken people who piece themselves together as a whole for a bigger purpose....to be healed and serve God so that they can help and serve others and introduce them to God. Would you stop going to the hospital, stop going to work, or stop going to school just because someone in those particular places hurt you?? The truth is, we are more tolerant of people in every other place besides church. That shouldn't be. We need to exercise the same patience, endurance, and long suffering with our fellow congregants as we do with our colleagues, classmates, and coworkers. The church is different from the rest of the world because the church's purpose is to save the world by being a light in the midst of so much chaos, pain, and darkness. But remember, the church is made up of people, people who are imperfect just like you. WE are the church, the church is not the building so don't stop going to the building because of people. The devil's goal is to do to the church the same thing that he has done to the world...turn us against one another. If we allow people to hurt us so much to where we begin to dislike and even hate church, the devil wins.

I'm sorry that you've been hurt. I've been hurt too. I wrote this post to encourage us and to help us overcome the pain by reminding us that God's love is so much greater that who hurt you. You can connect with God anywhere, if you ask him he will meet you anywhere but just like a good friend, romantic partner, or loved family member sometimes you must go and visit there home to spend time with them and develop a deeper connection. We should view the church in the same way. The church is God's home and you should go and visit him sometimes to deepen your relationship...just know that others will be there to visit him too and no matter what THEY do YOU are there for a bigger purpose...salvation.