The Thing I Can Always Count On

For as long as I can remember I've always worked hard. I never really stopped to think about why I work as I hard as I do, it's something that I've just observed about myself over the years. I've worked a job consistently since I was 15 years old. I've only been unemployed once and that was when I decided to quit my salaried management position to pursue my doctorate full time. After that it was only feasible for me to work part-time because being a doc student is a full-time job all by itself. Working hard has benefited me in a lot of ways. I never miss a project or assignment. I always submit my work early or on time. I give myself plenty of time to work so that I don't rush or cram but even if I end up rushing or cramming, I still do good quality work. I dedicate hours upon hours to the task at hand. I have taught myself how to be organized and disciplined. Lastly, working hard causes me to stand out because my work ethic produces great outcomes that add to and polish my professional image. I'm proud that I'm a hard worker, it's a part of who I am as a person.

Working hard has also cost me in a lot of ways. For example, I sleep but I very seldomly rest. I've endured some intense psychological, emotional, and spiritual issues (anxiety, depression, stress, fatigue, crying spells, spiritual warfare). Up until about a year ago, I used to be very bad at self-care. I was keeping myself so busy with school that I wasn't living my life. I didn't think that I had the time to really live. I was so honored, happy, and grateful that God got me into a PhD program that I felt like I had to work hard to show God that I wouldn't let him or myself down. Not to mention that I was the only black woman in my small cohort of 4 students so I put the pressure on myself to work three times as hard because there was no way that anyone was going to catch the black girl slacking!

But when I think about it, besides God, work has been the only other constant thing in my life. That's why when I was unemployed for three months I felt so off and unproductive. I wasn't used to that kind of inconsistency. Most people deal with negative feelings by finding something that they can control. Food, speaking, other people, sex, exercise, money, and work are all examples of things that people sometimes choose to control if an external matter is something that they feel they can't control. For me, I guess, I chose to control how much I worked. For some, control is a conscious thing but in my case control was unconscious. I had no idea how hard I was working until I completely burned myself out at the end of my first year of the PhD program.

Now, even though I've learned to ease up a lot and take care of myself better, I still feel myself wanting to take control again. The interesting thing is that, I work now not because I have to or even want to. Sometimes I just feel like work is all I have. Right now it's summer. I've already completed my spring class and finished up right before summer began. After three consecutive semesters of classes (fall, winter, spring) you would think that I would be outside resting, relaxing, and having fun right??? Well......not exactly. I'm actually finding that I'm regressing back to working on things for school that I don't necessarily have to work on right now. I'm back to being in the library a little bit more than I should and taking on work tasks that I can probably turn down. I'm doing this because I realize that I'm in a frustrating place as a single woman. Right now on my journey, I'm not dating and not having sex (celibate 10 years strong). Being in this place is hard for me because I actually want to engage in these activities, but for me it's not that simple. These are matters that are outside of my control. Now you might disagree and say, "What do you mean outside of your control?? You can easily control that!" Even though I could date and have sex, the mediating variables here are my faith and belief system. As a Christian single woman, I can't just go on random dates and have sex with random men. My belief system has instilled in me the logic that if I choose to date a guy it must be for good reasons that can benefit me in ways that are not focused on sex. For me, sex is for marriage so if I choose to have sex with a guy, that guy must be my husband.

I can be completely transparent in telling you that being single isn't always fun. I'm in a place where most of my friends are in relationships and most of my peers are getting married and starting or expanding their families. Even though I know that God's timing is perfect, that doesn't mean that I don't get frustrated. Emotionally I get frustrated, sexually I get frustrated, and spiritually I get frustrated too and I'm not ashamed or embarrassed by that. It is what it is. Even though I'm extremely happy for my friends, I find that my frustration continues to build and in order to cope with that frustration...I find random things to do for school and I go to work...for hours sometimes. Like I pointed out earlier, working hard has both pros and cons but the fact of the matter is work...is always there. Work is dependable. I can always count on it to show up, be available for me, wherever I go it goes too. I heard a woman say once,

"Work is the most faithful partner I have in life. I trust it more than any man."

I get that. I do. Even though I experience frustration on this journey from time to time, I remain faithful that I'll meet the one that I'm supposed to share my life with soon. My single status is something that is out of my control and that's ok. I'm ok and actually prefer God to be in control of that (I've already tried doing things my way). In the meantime, I've chosen other strategies to cope more constructively with stress and frustration. If you're single and frustrated maybe some of these activities can help you too:

Blogging

This blog is a great example. I get to release my struggles, successes, thoughts, and testimonies with the world in hopes that it connects and helps someone who might be in a similar situation as me.

Journaling

Journaling is another creative writing outlet that I like to do. Like blogging, journaling helps to release what's on the inside of me. I can admit that journaling can be difficult for me sometimes because so much can happen in 24 hours that when I finally get home, the last thing I want to do is pull out a book and write because I'm simply too tired. In my world I can write a whole novel based on just a few hours of my day! But I hold myself accountable to writing an entry every couple of weeks so that I can have reference points of my life to look back on. Journaling is wonderful because when things get hard in my life, I sometimes read past entries that I've written and I feel encouraged. Reading about how God has got me through some really tough times and also reading about the miraculous blessings he's given me helps me feel stronger in the present. Some entries that I've written makes me laugh out loud! And just being able to laugh can give you strength. I often think that my children will find my journals and read them one day. I think it would be cool for them you to read about my life in such an authentic way.

Exercise

Exercise is also another outlet that allows me to release my frustrations while doing something great for my body. If I'm feeling any type of negative emotion, I take that energy and work it out at the gym.

Cooking

Cooking wholesome and healthy meals is fun. I really got into cooking when I moved into my first apartment years ago. Cooking a really delicious meal from scratch really makes me feel happy. Cooking is a productive activity that helps me to save money and eat better. Cooking also has the added benefit of helping me prepare for my future husband.

Reading

Because I'm in college I read all the time BUT this summer I challenged myself to read one or two books of my choosing. I want to read something that isn't directly connected to what I'm studying in school. I mean I've been reading about counseling and psychology for about 10 years now. I love these areas but I want to expose my brain to something different.

Putting Down my Phone

My cell phone/computer takes up so much time in my day. I mean text messages from friends, emails for work and school, and social media easily put me in a routine of screening and scrolling hours at a time. Now, I make the choice to put my phone down sometimes. While I'm writing this post, I'm sitting in a restaurant eating breakfast when normally I would be scrolling on my phone. And think about this...your brain. When you spend countless hours exposing your mind to so much pointless info your brain in a way becomes a couch potato. Keep your brain active by exposing it to things that cause it to critically think (reading, puzzles, watching a interesting documentary, looking at art). Or maybe your brain needs to rest from being overwhelmed with information and daily tasks. Maybe you can leave your phone at home and take a nice peaceful walk (which connects with my point about exercise).

Prayer & Meditation

Prayer is an area that I want to become stronger in. I admit, I don't pray every night but I do talk to God daily. I've noticed that I talk to God when I'm busy doing other things (driving, showering, doing laundry). I mean this is ok but I think about how I feel when I'm listening to someone who is busy while they're talking to me. The lack of attention and eye contact really can leave the person who's listening feeling disconnected from the conversation. Sometimes it's like if the listener left, the person talking could have the entire conversation by themselves. I don't want God to feel this way. I want to talk to God in a way that he knows that he has my undivided and complete attention and this will take focus on my part.

To focus yourself and settle your mind and body is the essence of meditation. A more formal definition is: A form of deep peace that occurs when the mind when the mind is calm and silent. It's a state of awareness. In reading about meditation, I found it interesting that a person can be in meditation while they are active or at rest and this is because meditation is about the mind and not the body.

Counseling/Therapy

As a counselor I know how beneficial talking to a professional can be. This is why recently I found a therapist to begin seeing regularly. I got to a point where I realized that I was super stressed with life and I couldn't deal with all of it on my own. Counseling is great because I'm able to express myself freely in a neutral and safe environment. This is yet another outlet to release negativity in a way that helps me to process my feelings so that I can better understand what they mean in relation to what's going on in my life.

I hope this post encourages you on your personal journey. Remember, you're human and because of that you will experience different types of emotions. Just make sure to have healthy outlets in place so that you can release those negative emotions in a safe and constructive way...don't hold that stuff inside of you. Everyday I'm making conscious efforts not to work myself away. Despite life's challenges, I deserve to live and enjoy my life and so do you.